When life decides to throw surprises your way, it can get quite enthusiastic sometimes. Having barely had the time to sort out illusions and disillusionment over the past year, what thrust itself on my fragile sense of existence now was bland reality. Suddenly and annoyingly.
'We do not belong anywhere'. My head hummed. Though this suggested a sense of freedom, it was only a fleeting one. Being in glorious solitude knowing that you can step out anytime you want to familiar faces is one thing, but waking up to unfamiliarity everyday is quiet a frightful proposition.
The house that holds 11 years of my life - will no longer be mine. Ours. It was decided in a jiffy and it will be sold in a jiffy. There is no illusion here. And I don't know if I have enough time to say goodbye the way I want. I remember how just a few weeks ago, I had screamed at the walls of my room saying it wasn't letting me go, that its walls had held me in its dream-like state all this while and had let me be continually slapped for my insanity. And now, it is defending itself, shooing me away, and I have no choice but to move on. The terrace that inspires so many ideas, the floors that feel the brunt of my dancing feet, the walls that patiently hold my canvases - will hold some other strangers' pictures and feet and minds that stare at the sky. It is as if I am being shoved out, like I am being given unbridled freedom with which I don't know what to do, at least for now. It already feels like I dont belong here. The search for a new house has started fervently and it is just few more weeks in counting that we will shift.
But the scariest part is that before these few weeks end, I will not be waking up to neighboring skies or streets or even faces - but on the cradle of another continent. I wouldn't even get to feel the imprints of our new house before I leave.
It is a dream come true - being selected for MA at Chelsea college in London. One of my favorite cities, one of my dream colleges. But not a single familiar soul, not a known voice. For a year I will have to learn to not take others' company for granted and put my solitude aside and build a life. A new identity, perhaps. Away from every person I know and love, every person who has made life 'life' for me. And even after I return to my country from the 1 or possibly 1.5 years of another habitat that I would have adjusted to, I would fall headlong into a new habitat again. New neighborhood. New people too, because I don't know how much I would relate to everyone after so long at a different culture and lifestyle. Or who knows, maybe my studies or career would take me further on to further unknown shores, and I wonder how many 'lives' I would have to keep building.
This is the life I had always imagined and wanted - to just keep travelling and dancing and painting and laughing. There is nothing to complain. But when the string is cut off abruptly, the tiny kite does quiver in the mighty unpredictable wind. Cords are cut here in the familiar world, and I am washed too far on the other side of the unfamiliar shores. Maybe holding on is not meant for me. Maybe I am not charming enough for one place to keep me tight in its embrace forever. Or, maybe, it is time to start living life a little above the tangible physical sense. Maybe there is no such thing as illusion or disillusion or even reality - just different levels of existence, different planes of perception.
I should learn to shift my planes a little more quickly.
To gather the strength to say all the goodbyes - I don't think I can muster. Love and gratitude and memories fill me to the brim. My heart cries with a strange mix of joy and pain and helplessness - a wordless emotion. I want to surrender to life's wind and I am halfway through, but the mind has its own patterns and I try to fit in the pieces as I throw my oars into the ocean.
'Goodbyes' are just words, and I know there are things and relations that will stand above such mundane formalities. And yet I feel like a little orphan left on the street, with no hands to hold. Am I crying ? A bit. Am I happy? I don't know, for I am still figuring out hoto define what 'happy' is. All I can do is take a deep breath and let life lead the way for me. For now.
Embrace me, life, because I am really eager to embrace you tighter!!!
(Just put up a little with my impulsive outbursts once in a while ;) )
'We do not belong anywhere'. My head hummed. Though this suggested a sense of freedom, it was only a fleeting one. Being in glorious solitude knowing that you can step out anytime you want to familiar faces is one thing, but waking up to unfamiliarity everyday is quiet a frightful proposition.
The house that holds 11 years of my life - will no longer be mine. Ours. It was decided in a jiffy and it will be sold in a jiffy. There is no illusion here. And I don't know if I have enough time to say goodbye the way I want. I remember how just a few weeks ago, I had screamed at the walls of my room saying it wasn't letting me go, that its walls had held me in its dream-like state all this while and had let me be continually slapped for my insanity. And now, it is defending itself, shooing me away, and I have no choice but to move on. The terrace that inspires so many ideas, the floors that feel the brunt of my dancing feet, the walls that patiently hold my canvases - will hold some other strangers' pictures and feet and minds that stare at the sky. It is as if I am being shoved out, like I am being given unbridled freedom with which I don't know what to do, at least for now. It already feels like I dont belong here. The search for a new house has started fervently and it is just few more weeks in counting that we will shift.
But the scariest part is that before these few weeks end, I will not be waking up to neighboring skies or streets or even faces - but on the cradle of another continent. I wouldn't even get to feel the imprints of our new house before I leave.
It is a dream come true - being selected for MA at Chelsea college in London. One of my favorite cities, one of my dream colleges. But not a single familiar soul, not a known voice. For a year I will have to learn to not take others' company for granted and put my solitude aside and build a life. A new identity, perhaps. Away from every person I know and love, every person who has made life 'life' for me. And even after I return to my country from the 1 or possibly 1.5 years of another habitat that I would have adjusted to, I would fall headlong into a new habitat again. New neighborhood. New people too, because I don't know how much I would relate to everyone after so long at a different culture and lifestyle. Or who knows, maybe my studies or career would take me further on to further unknown shores, and I wonder how many 'lives' I would have to keep building.
This is the life I had always imagined and wanted - to just keep travelling and dancing and painting and laughing. There is nothing to complain. But when the string is cut off abruptly, the tiny kite does quiver in the mighty unpredictable wind. Cords are cut here in the familiar world, and I am washed too far on the other side of the unfamiliar shores. Maybe holding on is not meant for me. Maybe I am not charming enough for one place to keep me tight in its embrace forever. Or, maybe, it is time to start living life a little above the tangible physical sense. Maybe there is no such thing as illusion or disillusion or even reality - just different levels of existence, different planes of perception.
I should learn to shift my planes a little more quickly.
To gather the strength to say all the goodbyes - I don't think I can muster. Love and gratitude and memories fill me to the brim. My heart cries with a strange mix of joy and pain and helplessness - a wordless emotion. I want to surrender to life's wind and I am halfway through, but the mind has its own patterns and I try to fit in the pieces as I throw my oars into the ocean.
'Goodbyes' are just words, and I know there are things and relations that will stand above such mundane formalities. And yet I feel like a little orphan left on the street, with no hands to hold. Am I crying ? A bit. Am I happy? I don't know, for I am still figuring out hoto define what 'happy' is. All I can do is take a deep breath and let life lead the way for me. For now.
Embrace me, life, because I am really eager to embrace you tighter!!!
(Just put up a little with my impulsive outbursts once in a while ;) )
