You are still as far away as the rain cloud you so proudly paint yourself with, and as near as the tickle of a peacock feather on my cheek.
Before I could start thinking about the concept of God, you were there - as a bit of imagination, as an invisible companion to have conversations with on the terrace, and as a daydream to paint away on sunny solitudinal afternoons.
Though at times I was wary of you, I remember I never was fearful of you. With dance you grew closer and through you I got my first introduction to various other emotions. What I loved the most about what I felt was not just the awe and the amazement, but the utter sense of you being so human and so complete in being a human in all your emotions, relations and dealings. There never was a crust that I had to break through to reach you or strive to get your attention and grace on me; you were always something that existed alongside me in life - as a concept, as love, as trust, as a prayer, and sometimes as a visible absence.
My perception of humanity was shaped by the sort of 'humanness' I saw in you - something grand, something intense, something in control yet sensitive and vulnerable enough, something boundless and blissful and something inexhaustivef. These are the qualities I look for on a universal basis, probably in everything.
Though I do not understand some of your decisions and your stories, and nor completely agree with some, I know it doesn't offend you; you probably did all that you did (or your writer told all that he told about you) so that the mirage of perfection is broken - you are so perfect in your imperfections that it does not feel awkward. And you wanted us to know it.
Were you happy as a child ? Did you go stealing all the butter and food because you were a spoilt and pampered brat, or did your mother, by any chance, try to discipline you a tad too much from which you wanted to break away ?
Did you really leave Radha because you wanted to protect her honor as a married woman, or were you just scared to accept that love and so you found the glitter and comfort of Mathura easier to deal with ?
Did you really manipulate the war with your clever little lies, or were you just desperately trying to keep everyone at peace and it all worked like a brilliant stroke of luck?
Were you really magnanimous to marry 16,000 queens or was it a kind of penance to assuage your own guilt for having played with the feelings of thousands of maidens in your youth?
More than anything, how did you manage to become so personal and intimate, that your recantations in the Bhagad Gita remain as one of the most universal texts on our inherent nature ?
Who were you, Krishna? Do I believe what people say or what you say to me in my reveries ?
Is it necessary to be sure of your existence and what I am given as facts of your existence? Do I always need facts ? Aren't you already existing in all of us, not just as a spark of the divine as we keep telling ourselves; but as the human nature itself, with all its glorious things and all its not so glorious things (as we perceive it )?
And is that what you were trying to convey to us all, when you said that we are in you, and you are in us?
