My mom called it an incurable laziness. My dad thought I had become arrogant and over confident. My brother said I was becoming anti-social ( Not that I am very social otherwise).My relatives thought I should get married and 'settle down'.
And I thought that.... well. I dint think anything.
Life is unpredictable and strange. What is even more unpredictable and strange is our own minds, and how it perceives and reacts to what happens (or does'nt happen) in life.
I ransacked google to find out what was happening. And I found this fancy phrase - 'Quarter life crisis'.
Oh lord.
I had never expected I would run out of dreams. Nothing excited me, no goals beckoned. Everything I did was plain and involuntary. Where was my passion and enthusiasm ? I had wondered. Had I let the world water it all down so easily? Ideas abounded in my head, but I dint do anything about them. I dint feel like doing anything. About anything.
Depression ? Salvation? Nirvana!!?
Should life have a purpose? What is life without purpose? What is my purpose? Can I spend my whole life wondering?
That was when I started holding on to everything I had ever known as strongly as I possibly could, afraid of falling into a void.
But when my heart failed to keep up with my restless mind, I went into self - pity. That most selfish of all emotions. I thought I was doing everyone a favour by removing my bland self from their lives. I kept myself away from dance as well.
Since the time I could remember, I had always hated and kept away from a 'routine' life as much as I could. And now, I had landed myself in a scarier situation - my mind, my emotions had become routine.
The day I realised this, I went into the deepest imaginable pit within my spirit. And there I saw that, unknown even to me, my tears were watering, slowly but surely, the new sprouts of love, of joy, of inspirations. It felt like I had turned myself inside out, dusted away the cobwebs, and then re-emerged. I was still the same, just fresher and newer. I realised, and accepted that passions and dreams cant remain stable and stale. They grow, they evolve, they mature. Just like us. Holding on does'nt help at all. It will only stifle you and your perceptions. And in this process, you change too. Or rather, you get to know yourself a little more better, a little more closer, a little deeper.
The empty space , where everything you had imagined till then evaporates, is actually a beautiful space to be in! It teaches you a lot of things by opening the numerous closed doors within you to more expanse, more beauty, and more love than you ever thought you deserved or were capable. It makes you such a wreck in your solitude that you search for the barest and smallest shreds you can hope to find to help you get back to living again. And that is when you realise your strengths, your actual passions, your true and pure motivations for life. Maybe it is to be without motivations, to live each minute as intensely and truely as possible.
Re emergence of your self is a lovely process to watch and experience.
And no, as I stand on this precarious yet exciting threshold, I dont have an armful of new 'dreams' now, or new 'goals' that I am fervently waiting to see manifest. Anyway, no one's behind me with a whip to speed me through life and gather as much as I can. I would rather discover a little more love, and a little more acceptance. Within and without. Slowly, truly.
Ya thats it, for now :)
And I thought that.... well. I dint think anything.
Life is unpredictable and strange. What is even more unpredictable and strange is our own minds, and how it perceives and reacts to what happens (or does'nt happen) in life.
I ransacked google to find out what was happening. And I found this fancy phrase - 'Quarter life crisis'.
Oh lord.
I had never expected I would run out of dreams. Nothing excited me, no goals beckoned. Everything I did was plain and involuntary. Where was my passion and enthusiasm ? I had wondered. Had I let the world water it all down so easily? Ideas abounded in my head, but I dint do anything about them. I dint feel like doing anything. About anything.
Depression ? Salvation? Nirvana!!?
Should life have a purpose? What is life without purpose? What is my purpose? Can I spend my whole life wondering?
That was when I started holding on to everything I had ever known as strongly as I possibly could, afraid of falling into a void.
But when my heart failed to keep up with my restless mind, I went into self - pity. That most selfish of all emotions. I thought I was doing everyone a favour by removing my bland self from their lives. I kept myself away from dance as well.
Since the time I could remember, I had always hated and kept away from a 'routine' life as much as I could. And now, I had landed myself in a scarier situation - my mind, my emotions had become routine.
The day I realised this, I went into the deepest imaginable pit within my spirit. And there I saw that, unknown even to me, my tears were watering, slowly but surely, the new sprouts of love, of joy, of inspirations. It felt like I had turned myself inside out, dusted away the cobwebs, and then re-emerged. I was still the same, just fresher and newer. I realised, and accepted that passions and dreams cant remain stable and stale. They grow, they evolve, they mature. Just like us. Holding on does'nt help at all. It will only stifle you and your perceptions. And in this process, you change too. Or rather, you get to know yourself a little more better, a little more closer, a little deeper.
The empty space , where everything you had imagined till then evaporates, is actually a beautiful space to be in! It teaches you a lot of things by opening the numerous closed doors within you to more expanse, more beauty, and more love than you ever thought you deserved or were capable. It makes you such a wreck in your solitude that you search for the barest and smallest shreds you can hope to find to help you get back to living again. And that is when you realise your strengths, your actual passions, your true and pure motivations for life. Maybe it is to be without motivations, to live each minute as intensely and truely as possible.
Re emergence of your self is a lovely process to watch and experience.
And no, as I stand on this precarious yet exciting threshold, I dont have an armful of new 'dreams' now, or new 'goals' that I am fervently waiting to see manifest. Anyway, no one's behind me with a whip to speed me through life and gather as much as I can. I would rather discover a little more love, and a little more acceptance. Within and without. Slowly, truly.
Ya thats it, for now :)
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